Saturday, October 22, 2011

No news is good news.

We've all heard the expression "No news is good news", and its true. Especially if we are talking about the news on TV and in newspapers where all we see is negativity. The news reports on terrible things to scare us and shock us into watching and newscasters will often go out and create their own murders if none are happening assumes this blogger. We are disturbed by these things but yet we cant look away, like a Vern Troyer sex tape. The news has the power to twist any feel-good story into a heart wrenching horror film. If there is a story about a missing boy they instantly add "...the boy is suspected eaten by wolves." I see no value in pointing out the negatives for however many hours a day they waste of television bandwidth.

A recent headline reads "More road closures as Gardiner gets weekend face lift" (Source: focusing on the few roads that are closed rather than the thousands and thousands of roads that are not closed. They also use question marks abhorrently often to create a sense of uncertainty without any actual fact. "Are your kids smoking crack rocks in grade school?" You don't know, and that's how they get you. Here is a study that linked watching the news to anxiety and other negative psychological effects: Article . Its not hard to find something terrible to worry about, news, please stop; you have no value. People like to feel good, which is why happy songs are more popular than angry songs and why happy people have more friends than sad people.

My suggestion (as a positive person) is to make a competing news source that only focuses on the positives. "100 dead in Uganda"? more like"32 million still alive in Uganda!" "Man loses leg in accident"? more like "Man saves money on pants". Just goes to show, some news can be good news.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Jersey Shore

I just finished watching another compelling installment of the best drunken Italian guido TV show on the air. Now not for nothing but The Situation is starting to look a lot like Ronnie with his smushing with teh DTFs from the clubs.

We know they are all retarded and I admire them for it. No one is happier than a retarded person. Derrr: Thats why we drink, to get more retarded. Now you take a buncha retards and give them unlimited alchohol and you get a buncha super-retards. EPIC! I honestly wish I were half as retarded as these guys so I could say the stupid shit that they say without caring about anything. The reason this show is so popular is because everyone agrees with me, you want to be this stupid carefree and you are living vicariously through their adventures.

What can we learn from the guidos? We learn how take home drunk ppl and sleep with them . We learn how not to treat women. We learn how not to have a relationship. We learn that if you get drunk you will sleep with snooki. (hahaha is that a shot at Snooki?) I think she took enough shots if you know what I mean. shots? ahh, you don't get it im too clever for you.

But if you REALLY look carefully, you can find the trueisms of life in this show because their rawness speaks for our civilization and connects us all as humans. Guido/guidette/normal person, we are all humans partying up in the house of life and smushing in the smush rooms of our mentors before us. As Abraham Lincon probably said "Use a condom" true say Mr. President, true say.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Getting a job for dummies

So now that i'm a college graduate, I'm off to the races looking for a job. Here's what I discovered about job "hunting":

1. It's boring
2. There's like no cool jobs
3. If you send out 10 resumes and you don't hear back from any you just wasted a week sending out 10 resumes

So thats the gist of it. Theres about 3 good job searching sites that I frequent, all the jobs are out of town, require 5 years experience or are (shudder) sales jobs. I sent out about 12 resumes and didn't get a single job yet! I apply to about 1 or 2 jobs a day and with the rest of my time I relax and play video games and do whatever it is that I do and its getting so boring that I have to complain about it on this blog. As a celebrity status blogger, I EXPECT job offers my the dozen without having to search for jobs. This is like if that guy from the matrix had to look for work. I am not impressed city of Toronto, not impressed at all.

So, now the plan is simple; to invent a new social networking site and badmouth Facebook until they join mine and make 7 Billion dollars, then donate all but half a billion to charity and be known as a philanthropist instead of a rich, information stealing asshole. So wish me luck in my jobs and don't forget to sign up for

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

SEX and RELIGION and how they can both be improved (14+)

Adam and Eve were the first people on earth and thus the first biblical characters after god. This also means they were the first people to have sex. Now the bible doesn't tell us what kind of sex they had, whether it was missionary with Adam on top of Eve or if he plowed Eve doggy style while pulling her hair or whether they did it in the ass. Of all the boring bible stories, this was potentially the most interesting. They were two of the most perfect looking couples in history, they were created in god's image; Adam looked like a god and I'm pretty sure we can assume Eve was pretty hot too. If only we had some pictures. These perfect looking people having sex would be THE most popular porns of all time, no question. However, with the invention of the webcam thousands of years away, god gives us nothing to work with. So we can only imagine what kind of feistyness they got up to.

Now we all know Adam lived for over 900 years ( I actually did my research on this fact). FACT: When Eve lost her sex drive at age 52, Adam invented masturbation, with a strong hand and an outstretched penis; as it is written. Then years after , when he tired of that, he invented rape. When god came back and demanded to know who raped Eve, Adam blamed that asshole snake who screwed him with the apples thing and then god invented snakes and ladders to remind us all to hate snakes at an early age, and that ladders, properly used, can bring us to new heights we had never imagined. The reason these stories aren't in the bible is because the bible is censored by old people who don't like anything that can stimulate you in any way; like prizeless Bingo.

The point is that god created us imperfectly and that's why there is rape, perversion and pedophilia. Like if you didn't want kids to get raped, why did you make it a thing for scrappy old mustached men and catholic priests to be attracted to little boys. That's like if I'm a robot maker (which lets face it, I will be) and I'm working on my robot, I decide to design it to go around shooting people in the balls with nerf footballs and punting small dogs in the park. Should we punish the robot? Its not the robot who decided what it's programmed to want to do. Its hard wired to do what it wants to do, just like pedophiles. God is an asshole for creating pedophiles. He knew what he was doing.

In summation I propose we all decide a new god who doesn't let bad things happen to us, 9/11, Katrina, war... are you kidding me, if we elected this god, he'd be impeached after he released AIDS. Talk about mad with power, he's messing all sorts of stuff up. I think what we really want from our god is more sexual positions(for both gay and straight), no more baby raping pedophiles, less "natural" disasters, eternal happiness and to bring back Pepsi blue. We can expect A LOT more from someone who has infinite power, think about it and vote to impeach in 2010.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Stuff I stoled frm the net

funny gifs - Hey Bert! Hahaha, Bert has big eyebrows

funny gifs - How's That Hangover Treating You?OMG, meanie!

funny gifs - Turtle Happy Dance!Cutie!!!

WTF? lol

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Religion is balls

So! So far this week I've been approached by 2 different people on the bus telling me to come to their church/temple. Out of nowhere they start talking to me like I know them and make conversation and then at the end they randomly throw in, "oh so I'm part of this church, you have to come" One of them gave me a card with the name of her church on the back of a pyramid scam ad. The reason this keeps happening to me and only me is that I look like a messiah; people see my hope-filled eyes that breath truth and my loving nature and they are drawn to me, like one of those guys from the bible. Most do already from my role as a water walking saint: . But look, I understand that your religions want me to lead you to freedom but I have a lot on my plate right now; I have school AND a part time business, so you can wait. In other news, I am a phychic, think of a number between 1 and 10.
Its 7.

Your Saviour,

Big H

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


So I recently started following a code of behaviour which I found to be very inspiring and uplifting to me. Its called the Pirate Code, it states the 3 rules: 1, Be Awesome ,2 Face your fears 3, Don't be lazy.. My friend started it and it is awesome... if you want to be apart of it, search it on facebook, we are making a group soon. Also there was an open beer kicking around on the bus today spilling beer all over the floor and making the bus smell like beer and I look around and theres a scrappy looking guy in the back shifting his eyes back and fourth... Yeah!!